Before I start I'd like to say this is a journal and I don't expect or want an comments.

As many people out there would be aware I can and most of the time am a jerk, wanker and even heartless bitch.

This is not normal or fair behavour for any human on earth.

I never really realised I was doing anything wrong, but the behavour is killing of my friends and family.

I guess the way I was thinking is that at one point my 'friends' aren't going to want to be my friends anymore. Which is the wrong way of thinking. My 'friendships' would become a game. Can I hurt them before they hurt me.

This is so wrong.

But its the attitude that I adopted. At first it was okay. I wasn't being hurt I was happy.

But I wasn't happy. I had no one. No friends. It was all my fault.

I ruined our friendship, and for no good reason.

These people may never forgive me, but that maybe what I need. Atleast now I'm starting to see this is not on.

You can't go through life being scared of being hurt or losing the people that you care about. If you are then you will end up ruining everything yourself.



I wish, to end this journal, I could say that I've changed or even say that I'm changing. The truth is though I can't change over night. I need to look after the little friends I still have then maybe one day when I learn not to live life scared I can start making new friends. Maybe even mend the old friendships I had.

I'm sorry. To everyone. I'm sorry I'm a jerk. Maybe some people are just ment to be jerks, wankers and heartless bitches, maybe I'm just one of these people.

I hope not. I'll try and change but I don't know if I can.

I hope I can change.


.... Only time will tell....